Dog for sale, cheap

Do you want a dog?
This one is awesome. He loves to bite kids. Not all the time, only when they play. He can't handle you making forward locomotion on anything other than legs. Bikes, skis and God forbid, sleds make him freak out. Oh also, he will poop whenever he is not in the room with you.

Last night at bedtime it was a long series of me laying down with Van until he fell asleep, and then me laying down with Esther until she fell asleep, and then finally laying down by myself until I fell asleep.
As I fell asleep I thought, 'Where's Alamo?' and I naively missed him. We learned long ago that although he has explosive gas, he has to sleep in the same room with you, or he will poop all over the floor downstairs.

So I am used to my nighttime companion. But I realized he must have fallen asleep and gotten shut into Van's room while I was putting him to sleep.
'That's cute' I thought (again naively) 'maybe they will bond'

At 4AM Van came into my room. This not uncommon, most nights he ends up in my bed and I usually wait until he falls asleep and then I go sleep in his bed because he is hot and he kicks.

Van: says something unintelligible
Me: "What?"
Van: says something unintelligible
Me: "What?"
Finally on the third time I get it, he says

Van: "Mom, there's poop in my room"
Me: "Oh no, Mo man! ...  But Van, it smells like poop in here, did you step in it?"

long pause.

Van: "Yes, but I cleaned it off with toilet paper"

Van doesn't really know what dirty/clean is. I'm sure he tried to clean it off, but as I feared it was still all over his feet and dog poop toilet paper was all over the doorway to the bathroom. Not to mention dog poop was all over Van's room.
I sent Van to the shower to stand while I did damage control on the poop. A whole roll of toilet paper was so smeared with poop that I had to throw it all away.
The combination of smooshy dog poop, 5 year old boy and carpet was terrible.

I put Mo man outside. He cried to get in and I cursed him under my breath. If barked too loud, he would wake Esther. I wanted nothing to do with him, but I knew the safest thing to do was not let him out of my sight.

Me: "Van, go let Mo man in. Be sure to tell him I hate him."
Luckily he didn't.

Next we had to change the sheets on my bed since Van had gotten in and rolled around with poop feet.

After that Mo man cried at me because, as I was cleaning more of his squishy poop out of the carpet, I shut the door to the bedroom while he was inside it and I was outside of it. I may have called him a little piece of shit. Van, sensing the importance of the moment, repeated the phrase under his breath. Great. I can't wait until that comes out at school.

Van finally fell asleep again around 5, to the smell of Mo man gas, who was undoubtedly smugly sitting in the corner smirking.

$5?
I'll give you $5 and a bag of dogfood. And a bottle of pet stain remover. You'll need that.